the effects of fear

One of the most effected parts of my supposed self is my belief in fear. It has frozen my soul on some level. It seems that the more I try to be fearless the more I am unable to do the things I need to do to take care of myself. Fear of people makes me not want to engage with some, yet my need for nurturing drives me to engage never the less.

What is great about engaging is the possibility of new found relationships, the possibility of a new adventure, new ideas, new friends, lovers, networks. I do understand the importance of engaging. On the other hand fear for me is something I am facing. It is a cage I am comfortable in. Perhaps it is the constant fear in my childhood, knowing I had something to fear, that keeps me in fear. That is something to think about.

It costs, fear has been one of the things that has had the most consequences for me. The fear of not getting my needs met, not being loved, not being enough, not having enough, not giving enough, not receiving enough, not allowing enough, not being compassionate enough, not caring enough, not loving enough, not being good enough, not hung enough, not hot enough, not pretty enough, not rich enough, not not not enough enough enough of anything.

This has kept me from people, places and things, my expectations are always too high, my boundaries to tough, has kept me angry, sad, anxious, depressed, frustrated and unfulfilled and unable to trust.

This seems to be the what I have been left with, the legacy of my tortured childhood. Today I work with a therapist to take on these issues one at a time. I am very aware of how I am affected by all of these things. I am overwhelmed with it all at times. I do what is must to stay sane. I is not an easy feat, it is one day at a time, sometime a minute at a time, an at the extreme times it is a second at a time.

I have just started a new group focused on trauma therapy. I can tell it is going to be tough. On the first day we were given a handbook that lays out the program for us and it offers all of the studies that are up coming. We are looking at skills right now. We are offered different approaches to dealing with our reactive behavior. Suggestions to wave off panic, and anxiety. To be honest with you I am not sure what to make of these. Yet I have committed to the process. I will make it though the process, I will be a better person no matter what level of pain I MUST walk through.

I am committed to not using drugs (illegal), I am committed to being a better and whole person. I am committed to supporting everyone in my new group (family) in the process of trauma recovery. It is scary.