As i sit in group, listing to the men speak, hearing the suggestions of the shrink and the thoughts and realizations keep coming. I ask the Shrink a questions that went something like this; does this ever get better? All I could hear were the thoughts in my head...no it will never get better, you will learn how to deal with it but it will never go away, you can learn to except it but it will never go away, you will always have the memories, you will always feel the pain.
I start to realize the truth of it all.
A baby is so defenseless, it can only observe and take what is given. It can only cry for food, cry for changing, sleep, poo, over and over again....hopefully it will be loved, nurtured, held, changed, fed, over and over again.
What happens to the infant that gets ignored? battered? Does it feel? Does it reach out somehow? What happens to an infant that gets smacked around? Does it feel fear? Does it shy away from people? Does it develop properly?
What happens to a child that is not loved? Does it feel lonely? Does it cry out for attention? Does it pull away from other people? Does it yearn for touch?
What happens to that child as it develops in to a toddler? Does it stare out into a scary world? Is it afraid to explore? Does it trust anyone? Does it care?
What happens to the same child as it grows into a boy? Does it develop socially? Does it ask for what it needs? Does it have hope? Does it love? Does it feel happy? Does it pray?
What happens to that boy as he becomes a man? Is he brave? Can he feel safe in the world? Does he act out? Does he yearn for acceptance? Does he feel?
What happens to that man when he lives his life? Does he meet his potential? Does he love unconditionally? Can he find happiness? Is he afraid on everyone and everything?
What happens? What happens? What happens? He falls down a lot, he isolates, he is angry, he yearns for simplicity, he hopes it will all dissappear, he won't let you in, he builds walls, he lies, he cheats, he is so fucked up you may not want to know him.
this is too hard....i have to stop, i can't stop crying....more later
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